Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
