She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
