He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
