"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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