If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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