OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
