Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
