i just made my gag reflex go away.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
