this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
