there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
