watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
