the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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