i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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