Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
