M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize