I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize