i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
