Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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