I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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