My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
