Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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