dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
