if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
