just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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