He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
