I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
