i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
