Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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