Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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