i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
