Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
