just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
