She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
