he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
