Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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