Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Are my feet made of real feet?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
