Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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