No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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