Old men and throwing up are my life now.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
