somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
