How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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