I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize