just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I look excited, but its just a facade.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize