i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
