i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
