Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
