I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
