we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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