should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
