hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i think my mom watched the whole time
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
