11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
