So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
