theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
