theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
