do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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