Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
