The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize