Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize