Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
