It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Randomize
