cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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