Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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