I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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