it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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