I hate all girls vehemently.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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