True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
