I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize