I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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