it's too hot outside to masturbate.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
