So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
