somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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