I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
